Poetry

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Carolyn Havenhill

More About Carolyn: Testimony

The Jar

If I could catch all the tears
I've caused you to cry –
Or the nights I kept running
To try to stay alive –
Or through the pain – the hurt I
Inflicted, my harsh word or deed –
I put my faith in the jar
And in that little Mustard Seed –

Throughout my life – troubled inside
Like a shattered doll – cracked and crumbling –
With scars I couldn't hide –
I'd lock myself away inside of myself –
Filling the jar with my pain
To sit upon a shelf –
I couldn't see how to work my problems out –

Many I love got hurt, there is no doubt –
I couldn't speak what I felt inside
So many mistakes, though screaming for help
Someone please tell me, how can I
Change inside of myself –
What did I feel, I didn't even know
Each emotion I faced – which way do I go?
How did I describe the anger – In a Violent Rage
Trying to get out of this internal cage –
Happiness was butterflies in the tummy
Like a child I once knew –
Pain came in Tears, like I caused in you –
Grief never ending from the Loss of Love
The father I hold dear resting with God above –

Acting irrationally for I knew not what to do –
When I couldn't find my daughter
Like as a child – I did to you – I would run
She would run –
And I couldn't find her – my heart aching in pain –
Panic overwhelming, losing all I loved again
I sit here in prison, but now I can see –
Mom – I do love you
you're one of a kind –
No matter what – I thank God you are Mine –

There is no way to go back and change
All those years ago –
But with God, as a flower I'll continue to grow –
The years I have done have worn me, taught me self discipline and grace –
To be humble and thankful, I live in Today –
To hold dear the family, each and all of you –
To continue to pray through each day I go through –

I'm not a good poet, and a dreamer I may be
But life without my mother in it –
Would be empty for Me –
What I couldn't speak, I'd let my pen say –
It may seem strange, but it works for me this way –
Speaking was fearful after all the abuse I went through – no doubt –
Through the pen and paper, my feelings and thoughts could come out –

It's getting better for me and easier each day –
To speak what I feel –
And know it will be okay –
The scars inside don't hurt so bad – or all battered or torn
God's mending me slowly, loves me and gives me faith to keep warm –
My family has been there to help me –
Give me love and support that I need –

I work each day here to do for myself and others – good things indeed –
I put my best foot forward and take each day anew –
Hopefully one day, I'll get home to all of you –
Be strong mom and take care of yourself
Put prayers in that jar I left on the shelf –
I loved you dearly for all we've been through
For your Valentine's Day
Just a card of paper would not do –

Happy Valentine's Day Mom –
I love you

You may write to Carolyn at:

Carolyn Ann Havenhill, W#57827
515-29-02L
CCWF
P.O.Box 1508
Chowchilla, CA 93610

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